Sunday, August 2, 2009

My daily battle

Dear Fear, Pain, and Anxiety

You Suck

There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel light headed, nauseous, chest pain, and abdominal pain. I have battled these ailments since I was a little girl. With much embarrassment I think back to memories of me laying in the fetal position on an examination table due to excoriating pain. I don't always have ALL the symptoms everyday, but always have at least one of the symptoms. Well...I take that back, I have had chest pain everyday for the past 3 years. Have I been to the doctor you ask? Oh yes, many times. Here is how the story a nutshell.

Kat: I have pain in my stomach, pain in my chest, blood in my urine, and blood in my stool

Doctor: We will run lots of test and send you to lots of specialists

Doctor: We have found nothing, but take these drugs

Kat: Fantastic (sarcasm)

What the heck?! I feel like a crazy person. My family will state, "Katherine is the weak one, she was always sick". Hello! The pain is real people. I don't sleep with a heating pad every night for nothing. But then 2 things happened that have helped me come to some conclusions.

Number 1:

I found myself in another all too familiar place. The E.R. My abdominal pain was so severe that I could not walk. After many tests they could not find any medical explanation for my pain. Shocker. However, they did find and I quote, "A giant Cysts" inside my hip bone. Please see below.

The "Giant Cyst" is that dark colored spot in the right hip bone (it's your right but actually my left). Did that just confuse you more? Anyway, this "spot" they found made it a very interesting few weeks for Ryan and me. Let me break it down for you.

E.R. Doctor: We found this "Giant Cyst" oh and also this spot on your liver. It's probably nothing but could be something, anyway you need to get it looked at immediately.

A week goes by until I can get into my primary doctor...

Doctor: I have no idea what this is, did you google it?

Kat: Are you serious? Did you really just ask me, "Did you google it?" Can you give me my $25 co-pay back please, I saw this really cute shirt at Target and I would like to buy it with the money I just wasted on you.

Doctor: However, the thing on your liver is no big deal. People have those all the time.

Kat: Awesome! It would have been nice if the E.R. doctor would have told us that instead of us worrying about "nothing" for a week.

Doctor: You need to go see a bone specialist.

Another week goes by until I can get into the bone specialist.

Kat: (As I'm sitting in the waiting room of the bone specialist) "I'm the youngest person in here by 20 years"!

Bone Doctor: It's either cancer, a growing cyst that will take major invasive surgery, or it's been there since you were little and it's no big deal. You need to schedule a bone scan.

Kat: Hmm...I hope I don't have cancer in my bones. That would suck.

Jump forward a week...Praise The Lord, you don't have cancer. Come back in 6 months to see if it's growing. Woo Hoo! Ryan hugs me and we weep. Only the 2Nd time I have seen him cry. It was the first time he had seen me cry! Just kidding. In the words of my sister-n-law...more like the eleventyhundreth time.

Okay, so why am I rambling on about this? This incident changed our lives. I have asked God to show me His purpose of us going through such a awful thing. Ryan and I were forced to have conversations that we never thought we would be having our first few years of marriage. And I found myself saying, "I'm going to change a lot of things when all this mess is over". One being the color of our bathrooms. They are red and they make me think of death. But here's the hip NEVER hurt until they told me this "Giant Cyst" was inside it. That got me thinking. Our minds are very powerful. I wasn't crazy...there was actual pain in my hip. So I thought to myself, "I'm going to fight all these symptoms I feel on a daily basis". If my mind can make me feel pain, then my mind can make me feel healthy right?

Okay, number 2:

In class we learned about a condition called somotization. Somo what? Yeah, that's what I said. The Abnormal Psychology 14TH Edition states this as, "symptoms characterized by multiple physical complaints for which no physical causes can be found". Hmm...this is sounding familiar, I shall continue to read. People who experience somotization experience real feelings of pain, dizziness, nauseousness, and are sufferers of some type of sexual abuse and/or post traumatic stress syndrome. Yes, I said a sensitive word there...sexual abuse. For those of you who are thinking, "I can't believe she is saying this". We are only as sick as our secerets and it happened so I'm sorry if you are having a harder time dealing with it than me. It makes sense, people who struggle with PTSD experience terrible nightmares, feelings of shame, guilt, and much more. You will never understand unless you live it. It's not fun though. And with all the trials my abuse has caused me (we will save that for another bloggy day) this is the one I cannot seem to put behind me. I have been through counseling and I have faced all my issues. A lot of times people will become sick or hurt because they are not personally dealing with their issues and so the body finds other ways for it to release such stress such as pain. I have made one step though and that is through my thinking. I am no longer going to stop living life because I don't feel well. First of all, there are lots of people who feel a LOT worst than me. Secondly, until I am vomiting profusely, passing out, or in bed with a fever...I will prevail. If I'm feeling dizzy and I pass out...then someone will get me to a doctor. If I have severe abdominal pain, I'm moving on unless I am puking up blood. And guess what? So far, this IS helping! I did have to recently go to the doctor again because of stomach pain. But I also have continuous UTI infections (had them before I was married too so it's not the sex) and I want to make sure they don't go to my kidneys. Anyway, now I have to have more tests done to see why I keep getting those. But anyway, I'm not letting it scare me to the point that it did. This is HUGE. This was a long blog, probably the longest I will ever do. So those of you who actually stuck with me...thanks. I can't say I would have done the same. Let me end by repeating...

Dear Fear, Pain, and Anxiety

You Suck.

I Rule

With all that said, I'm not weak, but really strong. In fact I will leave you with the inspiring words of Beyonce:

I'm a survivor ,I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gon' stop, I'm gonna work harder, I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, Keep on survivin', I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gon' stop, I'm gonna work harder, I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, Keep on survivin'.

Boo Ya!

1 comment:

  1. thanks for sharing, Kat! You are such a great woman of God and I am so proud to be walking the journey with you! Love ya Lots!